Screwing the with vox populi


It’s that time of year again.  I recently attended a not so fun costume party (because I was cold.  I hate being cold.) with my better half.  He stands 6′ 8″ tall so finding a costume for him is quite the challenge.  He prefers to just go as a vampire every year.  So this year, if I had to be a vampire, I was putting more into it than fake bite marks and plastic fangs.

The whiteout contacts were a little uncomfortable and the teeth were expensive and a pain in the butt to install.  But the response was like none other.  The entire party was lit solely by black lights.  So my eyes were glowing.

In response, nearly every drunk stopped me to looked at my eyes, then proceeded to freak out.  One girl couldn’t even look at me.

Being a writer, this gave me a clever idea.  Let’s piss with the public.  Here’s how I spent the next week.

Monday:  I went to the grocery store in sweats, but with teeth and contacts in.  Unintentionally, I frightened a few children, but seeing how uncomfortable it made people was entertaining.

Tuesday:  Jeans and sweatshirt, teeth and contacts in.  Guy at the pump next to me  wanted to strike up a conversation.  “Nice day, huh?” he asked.

I turned around to look at him.  “It’s a bit too sunny for me.”

He dropped the gas thingy on the ground, jumped in his truck and left.  This was fun.

So I decided we could use some toilet paper.  We have four kids.  There is never a time we do not need toilet paper.

The local WalMart was very busy for a Tuesday.  I got a few odd glances as I made my way to the toilet paper isle.  I chalk it up to the People of WalMart pics that plague the internet.

I digress.  As I stood, longer than normal, gazing at toilet paper choices, roll size, ply and price, I saw my next victim approaching me.  My long hair has thus far concealed my identity.

“So, what looks like the best deal?” he asked.

With my face still turned away from him, I answered.  “I don’t know, I have three bleeding females at the house.”  Then I turned to look at him, “It’s cheaper than gauze.”

He jumped back, horrified look on his face. “Er-uh, yeah, it’s more expensive.  I’ll just get Charmin.  Have a nice…uh…day.”  He was at a near run until he reached the end of the isle.  Not only did he not look to see that he actually grabbed paper towel and not toilet paper, he dropped it once he stopped galloping.

I was still giggling at checkout.

Wednesday:  A trip to the Halloween store gave me my best prop yet.  A blood bag with a hose attached where I could drink the blood red liquid which tasted a lot like liquid cherry candy.  I gabbed the bag and stuffed it into my purse and headed to the coffee shop.  I sat down with my laptop and when the waitress came to see if I needed anything, I pulled the bag out of my purse and put it on the table declaring that I was “good.”

The couple to my left stopped talking and looked my way.  I turned to them and smiled, exposing my fangs before taking a sip out of my “blood bag.”  The woman dropped her coffee spilling it everywhere.  The table to my right was full of college students who all witnessed this play out.  They applauded me and asked where I bought the contacts.  Can’t fool today’s youth!

For the record, I generally choose not to be a spectacle.  On an ordinary day, I slip in and out of stores just trying not to get enraged by the elderly person who nearly ran me over in the parking lot.  I’m polite to the people who work at the gas station, the coffee shop and the grocery store.  After all, they don’t make enough money to deal with jerks.

But this was fun.  Maybe screwing with people will give me great story ideas.  Maybe seeing the reactions of people who see something out of the ordinary can be qualified as research.  After all, when we write books, we have to “show don’t tell” when people react.  Having something to describe is exceedingly helpful.

So I urge you – go screw with someone.  It was the most fun I’ve had in a long time.

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